


Gender Be Like *SCREAMS*

by homochaotic



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Basically: Juno experiments with gender and goes on HRT, Benzaiten is there in flashbacks only, Canon Non-Binary Character, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Experimentation, Internalized Transphobia (briefly), Other, Trans Peter Nureyev, hormone replacement therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:46:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27664915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homochaotic/pseuds/homochaotic
Summary: Vespa rolled her eyes.  "Look, if it's something 'embarrassing,' please take comfort in the fact that I do not care enough about you, personally, to judge you.""Mm, no, it's not…uhh…" Juno trailed off, completely drawing a blank on what he'd planned to say next."Steel—" she turned her back to him, shaking her head."You're on estrogen, right?"Fuck.  That was…not what he meant to say.---Juno is more comfortable living on the Carte Blanche than he's been in years.  Comfortable enough to notice some areas where he's…not as comfortable.  Maybe that's a new wardrobe, maybe that's new hormones.  He's…still figuring it out.
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 12
Kudos: 135





	Gender Be Like *SCREAMS*

**Author's Note:**

> Voila, a fic entirely about Juno Steel exploring his gender! We love to see it!
> 
> This is very thinly veiled self-projection. I am trans nonbinary, and Juno Steel is trans nonbinary, and I love Juno Steel. As such, this is kind of a deep-dive into confusing feelings about gender, including descriptions of dysphoria that might be a little tough to read, but ultimately it's all positive catharsis! Juno is healing in very important ways, and his family is there to help him every step of the way.
> 
> little disclaimer: this fic is mostly about Juno going on estrogen, which I have no personal experience with. I've done a lot of research, but if anything feels wrong or off, please feel free to mention it to me if you do have experience.
> 
> This fic also includes some explicit sex, but it's more a catalyst for an emotional conversation than, y'know, porn. I used the M instead of E rating for that reason: if you're looking for something sexy, this probably isn't the right fic. It IS explicit though, and it includes a character becoming upset during/after sex (the other character deals with it very gently and everyone feels better after discussion.)
> 
> Beyond that, I can't think of any triggers that need warning for! An more detailed trigger warning list will be in the end notes, but it will have some spoilers.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Nureyev bought him clothes, sometimes.

Or, well, he probably stole them, which at some point would have bothered Juno, but they were both criminals now so it seemed kind of petty to kick up a fuss about it.

And he…actually didn't mind it, getting gifts from Nureyev.At first it had felt kind of awkward, and Juno wasn't sure why, until he realized that he maybe hadn't received a gift in like, twenty years.Some small stuff from Rita, sure, and some past partners had given him things, but it just—it felt different.

And the things Nureyev got him, they were so—well.If he'd gotten them for Juno when they first met, or even like six months ago, Juno wouldn't have worn them.He'd have told himself that the clothes and jewelry just weren't his style, but that wouldn't have been the truth.He would just have been too self-conscious to wear any of it, when he'd been stuck in such a black turtleneck/sturdy coat/boring layers rut for so many years.People were used to seeing him like that.Besides, he had no one to impress, so getting all dolled up or experimenting with new looks would just have been weird. 

The important thing was that now, the clothes Nureyev got him were actually kind of perfect.They were out in the middle of space, after all, so Juno didn't have to worry about anyone judging him for wearing brighter colors or more dresses.He didn't have his reputation to maintain as the gritty detective who shouldn't be fucked with—he didn't have any kind of reputation.He was just…Juno.

And, as it turned out, Juno didn't mind some brighter colors, now and then.At least they matched the oversized sweaters he stole from Rita.And he'd never thought much about jewelry, but Nureyev had picked him up a few staple pieces that he kinda liked seeing in the mirror.He'd pretty much stopped doing makeup over the past few years, because, well, he'd barely been able to shower some weeks and makeup seemed unimportant comparatively, but he was starting to remember why he'd liked it, initially.

The clothes Nureyev bought him weren't just for sexy reasons, either.That was the difference.Juno had had partners get him lingerie before: they always said it was a gift and he didn't dislike wearing it, but it always felt like it was a bit more for them.Nureyev just got him clothes that he liked, clothes that he felt comfortable in.There were never any bad textures, either, which Juno could be a little picky about, and the thought that Nureyev felt the inside of the garments he picked out for Juno, to make sure he was comfortable, was—was just a lot.It was kind of like magic, really, how much Juno liked them…even if it wasn't a style he'd ever tried before, it always highlighted the parts of his body he liked and downplayed the parts he didn't.How did Nureyev do that?

Juno had long since stopped trying to figure it out, and now he just appreciated it.

But today, something was different.Something was giving him pause.

Nureyev had gotten him a shirt and a bra a few days ago—both things he'd gifted him before, and at first glance they seemed very typical for Juno's wardrobe.Juno hadn't had an opportunity to try them on right away, but today was a down-day for the Carte Blanche, so he'd decided to wear them.

And now here he was, half-dressed in joggers and the bra, staring at himself in the mirror, and feeling utterly lost.He didn't know how long he'd been standing there, but it was at least half an hour.He didn't know what was wrong with him.He just knew that his gut was churning and something felt different.

It was just a normal bra, not the sexy kind, just the kind he usually wore day-to-day.The only difference was that it had a slight padding in the cup.

Why was that bothering him so much?It shouldn't bother him.He'd had bras like that before.He also didn't mind that Nureyev picked it out—at first he'd thought maybe that was it, maybe he was worried that Nureyev wished he had larger breasts, but he knew that was wrong.It just wasn't like him; even Juno's insecurities couldn't convince him of something so out of character for Nureyev.

What, then?Maybe Juno just wasn't used to seeing himself with this slightly altered shape?Juno grabbed the shirt from the bed and put it on quickly—maybe he was just overthinking this.It was just a fucking bra.

The shirt was loose and flowy, with an open neckline and long sleeves.It wasn't form-fitting, and yet it fell over his chest in such a way that the shape of his breasts was obvious.The bit of augmentation from the padding probably wouldn't have been noticeable to anyone else, but it was noticeable to him.He noticed.

Juno felt a sudden rush of emotion for some ungodly reason.He pulled the shirt off and then the bra and tossed them across the room in frustration.Why was he getting worked up over this?It was just clothes.

He looked at himself in the mirror, at his bare chest.Looked down at his breasts, cupped them, although—although there wasn't much there.Hm.

Oh.

He didn't really…have breasts.Did he?

He stared at his form in the mirror, the "weird" feeling having slid distinctly over to "bad."He felt bad.He turned to the side, looked at his profile—had he always been so flat?He didn't remember looking this flat.He knew he'd put on a bit of weight since living on the Carte Blanche, and it didn't bother him, but maybe…maybe since his midsection had filled out, the bit of hourglass shape had vanished.

Not "maybe."That's definitely what had happened.He preferred his tummy with the layer of soft fat that it had gained, but there was no question that it made what little breast he had essentially unnoticeable.

Juno was still for a long time, looking in the mirror, feeling almost like he wanted to cry, but too numb for any tears to fall.

A knock came at the door, and then Nureyev's voice saying, "Juno, may I come in?"

Juno cursed under his breath and pick up the first shirt that came to hand, a t-shirt that he'd definitely worn the day before.He pulled it on without a bra.Maybe he didn't need to be wearing bras at all.

"Yeah, come in," he said, trying his best to put on a "everything is normal" face for Nureyev.

He entered the room, looking like a million creds as always.How did he always seem so confident and graceful?  
"Morning," said Juno.

"Good morning," said Nureyev, but his brow was already furrowing."Is something wrong, dear?"

Great, so he'd definitely failed at looking normal.

"Nothing, I just," said Juno, scratching the back of his neck.Was it even worth it lying to Nureyev?

Nureyev didn't really give him the option, because he said, "No, Juno, don't do that—I can tell when something is bothering you, and you know I'll just pester you about it until you're honest."He took Juno's shoulders and leaned down to kiss his forehead.

Juno got the sick feeling of a deer in headlights at the thought of trying to explain the mess in his brain to Nureyev with actual words.

Nureyev caught that look too, apparently, because he immediately said, "That is, if it's something you're willing to talk about, dear.You're free to keep it private if you'd like."

"N-no, we can talk about it, I guess," said Juno.It felt like he'd be giving the feelings more power if he kept them secret, even if he still had no idea how he was going to verbalize them.

Peter led him to the bed and they both sat down.He didn't say anything, but took Juno's hand and rubbed light circles into it.Patient, he was always so patient with Juno.

"Okay," said Juno after a minute, "Is it weird to feel, kinda…I don't know, wrong, about certain parts of your body?"He stared resolutely at the floor.

Peter tilted his head and took a moment to respond.

"Well," he said."Obviously I myself am no stranger to body insecurities; you know that, love.I see aspects of my body I want to change every day."

"Yeah, I guess," said Juno."But like, not really…insecurities, _per se_?If that makes sense.Like, I know I've gained some weight recently and that doesn't bother me.It's not about how other people see me, it feels like it's about…comfort?Or peace, or whatever?Like part of me isn't really…fitting."

Juno knew he wasn't making sense, and Peter was clearly confused, but the perfect, patient motherfucker just nodded slowly.

"Alright," he said, "Well, maybe you could tell me what part of your body is bothering you?"

Juno groaned and buried his face in his hands.He could feel a blush creeping up his neck, which was _ridiculous_.He was a grown-ass man, why was having this conversation with his boyfriend more embarrassing than openly discussing kinky sex, which they did plenty?

"I guess, like, my chest?" he managed, muffled by the hands over his face that he refused to move.

"As in...your breast size?" asked Nureyev, very slowly.

Juno let out a frustrated sound and couldn't stop himself crossing his arms over his chest."Look, it's kind of stupid, okay?It's just, when I was on estrogen, like, forever ago, I started to get, like, tits, obviously—and I haven't been on estrogen in a long, long time, which is totally _fine_ , and it wasn't like they just _went away_ when I stopped, but now…I don't know, my body's kind of different, I guess, and they don't…feel right?I know that sounds kinda crazy, but I just, I feel really flat and I can't explain it but it makes me feel all knotted up, and just…wrong."

Juno let all of that out in one breath and then buried his face in his hands again.That was the most rambling, nonsensical, non-explanation ever, and if it was anyone else other than Nureyev, he would've been _humiliated_.

Nureyev took a deep breath, and then said, "Well, is it really fine?"

That was unexpected enough to make Juno look up."What?"

"You said that not being on estrogen anymore was totally fine.Is it really fine, or are you just saying that it's fine because you didn't have the option before?"He paused and peered at Juno thoughtfully."If I wasn't on testosterone, it wouldn't be fine, and that's okay."

Juno stared at him, speechless.How could this man listen to him word-vomit gibberish and then come back with some genius therapist shit?How was Juno lucky enough to be with him?

His brain was so caught between awe of Nureyev's intelligence and slow realization at what he'd said that he had no hope of responding.So he just stared at the wall and mulled over Nureyev's words, fidgeting with his tongue piercing between his teeth.

After a few minutes, Nureyev said, "I know you and Vespa can go at it sometimes, but she is your doctor.She and I aren't best friends either, but she provides me with my hormones, and she would never judge you.She's on hormones too, after all, so you don't have to worry about her not understanding."

Juno cleared his throat and nodded at the floor."UmmaybeyeahI'llthinkaboutit," he muttered.And though the promise of an awkward conversation should have made him nervous, he felt an odd lightness in his chest.Not only that, but the knotted, icky feeling from earlier was starting to fade.

He took Nureyev's hand and smiled at him."So, what's on your schedule for today?"

\---

Juno definitely couldn't get up the guts to ask Vespa for an appointment to talk about hormones.He just—he'd never asked her for an appointment before, he always just kind of ended up in the med bay for one reason or another, and everything got covered then.If he went out of his way now, she would be really confused or suspicious, and she'd want to know why, and then he'd be way too embarrassed to get out anything he needed to say.

Thankfully, he had to see her the next day anyway to get stitches taken out.Nothing serious, he'd just gotten a cut on his leg during a mission last week and Vespa had put in three stitches to be safe.The important thing was, he was going to use this chance to be an adult, and ask his adult doctor an adult question, and he wasn't going to lose his nerve.Because, you know, he was an adult.

Vespa didn't really make it easy, though.When it came time to take his stitches out, she worked efficiently and silently, as usual.She didn't speak at all until she was finished, had taken her gloves off, started cleaning up, and realized that Juno was still sitting there, awkwardly.

"Um," she said, "Was there something you wanted?" she said."Or…?Did you forget how to walk...?"

Juno twisted one of the hoops in his ear and looked anywhere but at Vespa."No, there was.Um.Something."

Vespa raised an eyebrow at him, glancing from his fidgeting hand to his bouncing knee.She rolled her eyes."Look, if it's something 'embarrassing,' please take comfort in the fact that I do not care enough about you, personally, to judge you."

"Mm, no, it's not…uhh…" Juno trailed off, completely drawing a blank on what he'd planned to say next.

"Steel—" she turned her back to him, shaking her head.

"You're on estrogen, right?"

Fuck, he didn't mean to say that.That was wrong, that was the wrong thing to say.

Vespa visibly tensed, her shoulders pulling taught.There was an agonizing silence, and then she growled out, "That's kinda personal, Steel…"

Juno clapped a hand to his forehead."Yeah, fuck, I'm sorry, you're right—fuck, um."He dragged the hand down his face and tried to wrangle his scattered thoughts into words, _any_ words."When I was, like…uh, fifteen years ago or something, I was…too?And, um.Yeah.I guess, I was wondering if—you know what, never mind, it's not a big deal, I'll just—"

"Are you asking about going on HRT?" said Vespa, turning around to face him.

Juno paused in getting to his feet, and sat back down on his chair.He stared at the floor.Why was this so _fucking_ hard to talk about?Just say it, Steel, just say it."Yes," he forced out.

Vespa nodded and hummed in thought."We can make that work for you," she said, her voice softening a bit.You know, relatively."You don't have to be embarrassed."

Juno let out a sigh."I'm not embarrassed, I'm just—it's…hard to talk about?I guess?It just feels weird, sorry for being so awkward about it."

Vespa shrugged."I get it.I am your doctor, though, so.How about I work up a dosage schedule for you, and in a few weeks you can tell me how it's going?"  
"Y-yeah.That would be good."

Vespa turned her attention to her computer and started typing something in."I'll send you some info on your comms about side effects and everything, in case there's something new or something you've forgotten.But if we do this, you have to tell me if you have any questions or problems, okay?You have to talk to me, as your doctor."

Juno met Vespa's eyes, just briefly, and the sincerity he saw there made something warm bloom in his chest."Okay," he said quietly."Yeah."

\---

They'd agreed on a pretty significant estrogen dose, but the changes were still…slow.They were really slow.Juno had been taking it for almost two months, now, and…yeah, he knew it wasn't some magic insta-tit serum, but that wasn't the only change he was looking forward to, and it was just frustrating to still see nothing.

Maybe he smelled a little different?Better.Other than that, though, he hadn't noticed much.After the first week, he'd honestly done his best to stop thinking about it, because it made him feel kind of overwhelmed and scrambled.He figured that one day he'd notice changes, and before then, he might as well just ignore it or he'd drive himself crazy.

He was proven right on a random morning when he least expected it.He stepped out of the shower, shivering at the cold air and looking forward to his morning cup of coffee.He turned, caught sight of himself in the mirror, and—

Stopped.

He looked…different.Not _extremely_ different; it had barely been a couple months, after all, so it wasn't like he was in a new body.He couldn't even precisely place _what_ had changed—all he knew was that…

Well, that person he saw in the mirror?That was him.That was Juno.That was maybe more him than any other version of himself, even with all the scars and the mangled eye socket and the gray hairs.

Suddenly, he wasn't in the bathroom on the Carte Blanche—he was still staring at himself in the mirror, sure, but he was also fifteen sitting on the roof ledge next to Benzaiten.

He was mad at Benten, he remembered.Because Benten was getting asked on dates all the time now, and Juno still just hung out with Mick and Sasha every day.But not just that, he was mad because Ben wouldn't stop teasing him, always in the same way, calling Juno a "lady" and his "sister" with an elbow in his ribs, he'd open the door for Juno and say "ladies first" and it made Juno want to punch him right in his stupid mouth.

(Ben was such a dick, he'd told himself at the time.But in the years since, he'd wracked his brain and he couldn't ever remember Ben teasing anyone else like that.Calling someone a "girl" wasn't how he insulted them, not ever.Even when he used it on Juno, it wasn't mean or meant to hurt.Did he know, somehow?How could he have known?)

They were sitting on the ledge of the roof—the roof on their apartment building, Juno was pretty sure.Not a hundred percent sure, because they were both probably high at the time.They'd probably skipped class too, just to hang out and get high on the roof.They did that plenty.

Ben said something along those same lines.Called him a lady or a miss.Maybe…maybe he'd even just used "Lady Raincloud"—that was one he liked.

Juno snapped."Can you shut the fuck up?" he said."Stop saying that shit."

Ben's eyebrows flew up, and he waved his hands in mock surrender.What a drama king."Whoooaaa, chill," he said."Did I hit a nerve or what?"

That just made Juno more angry."You can't just say that shit," he snarled, leaning in closer."I'm a boy, I'm a fucking boy, so lay off!" he shouted.

He crossed his arms and frowned at the traffic that flew by.Benten was quiet for a long time, but Juno refused to feel bad.This was Ben's fault, not his.

Except, it was always Juno's fault, wasn't it?Why did he always do this?He was so angry, but he also knew he fucked up.He felt like he was going to cry, but that's what a _girl_ would do.He gulped around the lump in his throat.

"Okay," said Ben eventually."But.Um.Y'know, like, if you weren't—hypothetically—a boy, that would be fine, right?I'd be fine with that.We're still twins.You don't have to be a boy if you don't want to."

Juno tried to ignore him, but the words took hold anyway and Juno felt something— _loosen_ , in his chest.Something that had been wound tight for years, and now it was just unraveling, quickly, and he couldn't stop it—

Tears sprang to his eyes, and he dashed them away harshly."Fuck you!" he shouted, spinning to face Ben and ignoring the way his twin flinched."You don't know what you're talking about!"To his horror, his voice cracked on the last word, and the sob broke from his throat.Then he was crying—just crying, like a baby, and all he could say was, "Fuck," and drop his head into his hands.

He couldn't stop crying once he'd started, and his whole body felt flushed with humiliation.This was probably the drugs' fault; he didn't cry this much usually.It was just because he was high, that was all.He wanted to apologize for yelling at Benten, but he couldn't even make himself look up.

He didn't have to, though.Ben wrapped him in a hug as he cried, and said, "It's okay, Juno.It's okay."

With Ben's arms around him, he was finally able to get a handle on himself, to start to calm down.

Even though the tears had stopped, though, it didn't take away the sting that prompted the whole conversation.

"How did you know?" he said.

Ben shrugged."I know you, Super Steel," he said, sounding way more casual than he should have.

"You can't tell anyone, okay?" said Juno, and he finally turned to look Benten in the eyes.He summoned his most threatening glare and hoped that Ben was sufficiently intimidated."Especially not Ma."

"I won't tell her," said Ben, and Juno knew he wouldn't.

"Okay," said Juno, letting himself relax a little bit.His mind drifted back to this whole mess he'd gotten himself into, and he said, "Fuck."

"Do you…you know, want me to use 'she'?Or something different?" said Ben, and his voice was so tentative and uncertain, and Juno hated that tone—as though Juno was delicate or something.

"I don't…fuck, I don't know," said Juno, hugging himself."Yet.I'm not sure.It's really confusing."

"Okay, that makes sense," said Benten, seeming like he was really thinking about it."Maybe I could try?Would that be okay?Just when we're alone."

Juno looked at him.There was no trace of teasing, no indication that Ben was just kidding with him and planned to laugh later.It was just Benten, right?

"Just when we're alone," Juno agreed.

And the memory faded to static in Juno's mind…that was all he remembered of that afternoon.Maybe they smoked more, maybe that was where the conversation ended.Either way, he back in his 40-year-old body, his body that looked so much like _his_ , and he was crying.

Fuck, he was crying, naked in the bathroom, like a lunatic.Why was he crying?This wasn't worth crying over.

In a detached way, he knew it was probably because of the hormones.Knew he'd been a crybaby on estrogen the first time, and it made sense that he'd be one the second time too.

But he didn't feel the desperate need to stop it, like he usually did.On the rare occasions he'd let himself cry over the past few years, or been unable to stop, it was always painful and overwhelming.Not this, though.It didn't hurt, didn't come with that searing pit in his gut, didn't make his throat feel like it was on fire.

It actually felt kind of…good?That was probably really weird, right?That's how it felt, though.Like there were all these emotions bubbling up in his chest, and they actually had a place to go.So, he decided not to fight it.He just let himself cry.

After a few minutes, he was done.He splashed his face with cold water, and he felt oddly like he'd taken a nice, restful nap.Huh.

Like himself.That's how he felt.He just felt like himself.

\---

Juno was sprawled across the nest of pillows and blankets on Nureyev's bed like it was a fucking throne.

He would have been concerned what he looked like, spread out like that, naked and completely vulnerable, if his brain activity wasn't so completely focused on where Nureyev's fingers were _splitting him open_.

But currently, that was the beginning and end of his existence.Nureyev's left hand pushed him down by his shoulder, and the other curled two—no, wait, _fuck_ — _three_ fingers into him, stroking and thrusting and taking Juno completely apart.

Juno grasped tightly at the sheets, trying to hang on, trying to ground himself.

He wasn't trying all that hard, though, because when he felt his mind slipping, his muscles turning to putty—when he felt himself slipping into the unmistakable blissful fog that was subspace—he just let himself fall, deeper and deeper.It was perfect, blurry, warm…he was warm all over and he felt _so good_ , he was floating and the only thing that was real was Nureyev.

"Wonderful," Nureyev was saying, his deep voice a perfect drawling purr, and it made Juno's cock twitch.

Juno didn't know for sure, but maybe he was moaning, and that was supported by the way Nureyev shushed him, cooed at him.

"Oh, my perfect angel," he hummed."She's so good for me, such a good girl—aren't you, sweetie?Do you like being a good girl for me?"

Juno—dissolved, imploded, was _unmade_ —

He was cumming so hard that he lost track of his body—maybe there were screams and spasms but Juno was only distantly aware of them because he was just a feeling, just lightning in his own veins, and then it all went black for a second—

He returned to his own body slowly, in blurry little rushes, and all he knew was his limp body, then the soft sheets, then Nureyev, looking at him, and why did Nureyev have that expression?He looked concerned…

"Are you alright, Juno?" he said.

Juno sucked in a shaky breath and realized—fuck, he was crying.His cheeks were wet, he was _crying_ …

So not only did he come early, when Nureyev was just trying to fucking prep him, just because, what?Because of some dirty talk?But now he was crying for no reason—how much more could he humiliate himself?What else could he fuck up, because he was some sensitive wreck?

Before he had a second to gain composure, these thoughts had already raced through his mind and only made him cry harder, made him _sob_ —

Juno rose from the bed suddenly, ignoring his wobbly legs and Nureyev's words of alarm, and ran to the connecting bathroom.He slammed and locked the door behind him.He sank against the wall, and at least Nureyev couldn't see what an embarrassing crybaby he'd become—he'd been on hormones for like four, maybe five months and the whole time he'd been this sensitive, trembling _mess_.And now here he was, acting like some teenager, fucking running away in the middle of sex because he couldn't stop crying?Is that what he'd come to?

There was a gentle knock at the door, because of course, _of course_ Nureyev wouldn't leave well enough alone, had to always be sweet and gentle and understanding.

"Juno, my dearest, I am so sorry," he was muttering softly on the other side of the door, "Please open the door and allow me to take care of you, please forgive whatever it was I did, I assure you it wasn't intentional, I'll do anything my love, please—"

And he just sounded so—so _sad_ , and he was obviously blaming himself for Juno's fuck-up, and Juno would have to be a monster to let that continue, right?He didn't really want to open the door, because he must look an absolute wreck, and it would probably gross Nureyev out to see him like this, all runny nose and puffy eyes.But if he didn't, Nureyev would get in that self-blame cycle and it would be all Juno's fault.So Juno fought his own instincts in order to get to his feet and unlock the door.

Nureyev looked so intensely relieved when the door slid open, and Juno felt another twist of guilt in his gut.

But Nureyev just gave him a watery smile and said, "May I touch you?"

And Juno sniffed and nodded, and then he was enveloped in Nureyev's arms—safe.He was safe now.

Nureyev was muttering words into Juno's hair, and he didn't know what they were, but they were comforting nonetheless.He allowed himself to be coaxed back to the bed, and sat next to Nureyev, not able to make eye contact, but starting to get control of his tears, at least.

Nureyev asked him to stay there, and he was able to do that until he returned with a warm washcloth.He gently wiped Juno's hot face and then cleaned the—fuck—the dried come off of Juno's stomach, reminding him of why he'd been so humiliated in the first place.Juno hung his head.

Nureyev sat beside him again, and Juno felt embarrassed to even be this close to him, this perfect, graceful man.

"Sorry for, uh…ruining the mood," muttered Juno, rubbing his cheeks until they were dry."I don't know what's wrong with me."At some point, Nureyev had placed a throw blanket over his shoulders, and Juno drew it tightly around himself.

"Shh, don't apologize," said Nureyev, running his fingers through Juno's curls."There's nothing wrong with you."

He cuddled Juno firmly and laid his head on Juno's.Juno was grateful for the position, since it allowed him to avoid making eye contact with Nureyev, something he wasn't sure he could do right now.

The longer Nureyev just held him close, the smaller and smaller that sinking feeling became.As Juno regained his ability to think logically, he realized that he had started going into sub drop, at least a little bit.That had…hmm.That had never happened with Nureyev before, usually because he was so thorough with aftercare.As it turned out, Juno wasn't immune to it, as he was beginning to suspect, he just had a partner that actually cared now.

"How do you feel, love?" said Nureyev, his voice soft.

Juno shrugged.

"Could you tell me…was it something I did or said?You know I would never want to make you feel upset, that's the last thing I—"

"Not—" cut in Juno, "Not upset.Just…uh, overwhelmed?"

Nureyev nodded."Okay," he said."Well, sometimes 'overwhelming' is what we're aiming for, but not like that, love.Is there any part of what we did that you'd like to discuss?Maybe you could tell me what triggered the overwhelming feeling, or what part of it made you feel like you wanted to be alone?"

Juno paused, but then he just shrugged again."Just the hormones, probably," he muttered.

Nureyev was silent for a while, making little thoughtful sounds.Why did he always think things through so much?Why was he so thoughtful and considerate when Juno couldn't help but just spit out the first words that came to his brain, no matter what?

Nureyev cleared his throat."I understand that your HRT can affect your emotions and emotional reactions.So maybe you're…starting to feel a bit differently or more strongly about certain things.Can you…do you know what it is, though, that made you feel very strongly, in this case?"

Based on the questions he was asking, Juno had the feeling the Nureyev already knew what it was.Or at least, he had to have a strong suspicion.He was just doing that thing, where he wanted Juno to talk about his feelings, because he thought it was therapeutic, or something.Maybe Juno could get away, just this once, with not answering.

"Don't wanna talk about it," he mumbled into Nureyev's shirt. 

"If you'd like to talk about it another time, that's perfectly alright," said Nureyev, his voice careful."But just so you know, I won't forget about it.I will bring it up again, because I think it's important that we talk this through."

Ugh, he was probably right.Fuck him.

Juno covered his face with his hands and groaned, just for the sake of complaining.He had to really psych himself up, but eventually he cajoled himself into speaking.

"Fine," he muttered."Um.When you.During sex, when you call me.Y'know.Your…good girl.Or whatever."He forced all of that out and then had _no idea_ what to say next, and that probably made no sense to Peter because he'd said that during sex dozens of times before, and Juno had never freaked out like this—

Nureyev interrupted his spiraling thoughts, saying, "You're welcome to change your mind about liking it, even though we've discussed it before, if that's what you're worried about," he said, sounding so tentative.

Juno folded his arms and stared adamantly at the floor.Obviously, _'not liking it'_ was not the problem, seeing as a few minutes ago he'd come so hard he blacked out, right—?But he didn't snap that at Nureyev even though he wanted to, so he counted that a win.Instead he took a deep breath.Nureyev was just trying to be gentle with him.

"Uh, no," said Juno."That's not.Hmm.I still—that's okay, for you to say."After some thought, he added, "Ilikeit," but he mumbled it as fast as he could, so maybe Nureyev didn't hear it.He masked it by quickly adding, "Um, that other thing you said.Is.I think.What was.Just surprising."

Nureyev furrowed his brow, analyzing their interaction, until it seemed to dawn on him, his facing clearing."Ah," he breathed.Then he looked kind of…embarrassed?Chastised?"I…called you 'she'," said Nureyev, quietly."I didn't ask consent to do that, Juno, and that was extremely inconsiderate of me.I'm so sorry if—"

"No!" said Juno, grabbing Nureyev's arm.He couldn't have Nureyev feeling bad."Um, not that," said Juno."I actually.Kind of liked it?"

"Oh," said Nureyev, and his face fell carefully blank. "I see."

"Yeah," said Juno."I didn't…think about it before, but when you said it, I…realized it.I guess."(And orgasmed.Very hard.)

Nureyev hummed."Would you…perhaps like to hear more of that in the future?" he said slowly.

Juno nodded."I think, I think so."

Nureyev leaned forward then and kissed Juno's forehead, which was not what Juno had expected.

"Thank you for telling me, my love," he said, so softly.

That made Juno start to tear up again, because fucking _of course_ it did.

And _of course_ Nureyev noticed.

"Oh, my dear," he said gently.

"Um," said Juno, wiping away a tear.He still mostly wanted to go hide, but he also suddenly felt the need to say this.To be honest with Nureyev, even if it hurt.He felt like he'd collapse with the weight of it if it stayed inside of him for another moment.

"My brother would…sometimes do that?" said Juno around the lump in his throat."Use…she, or…or they, and um—"Juno paused, realizing he probably sounded ridiculous, and Nureyev was probably super confused, because a minute ago they were talking about sex and now he was talking about his dead brother, but he couldn't stop the flood of words once it had begun: "After…after he was gone it felt, like, too personal to share with anyone else?I mean he/him is fine but maybe it's not… _all_ that's fine?But I only ever told him and it's just, like, it's really personal, so I never told anyone else."

Nureyev pulled him into a hug before he had a chance to feel lost over what he'd just admitted.Juno sighed into it.

"I understand," said Nureyev, and Juno was filled with the sudden assurance that Nureyev did understand, somehow.

"But, um," said Juno, "It's not, I don't want to keep that…there, anymore.You know, as a memory just for him, because.I don't know why, but it feels okay, now?For you to know, so I guess.Maybe sometimes you could…try them out.Those pronouns.If you want."

Nureyev pulled back enough to smile at him."I would love to, Juno," he said."It means so much for you to trust me with this."

Juno was still crying, a little bit, but he couldn't deny that he also felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.He hadn't even known it was there, but its absence freed him in some inexpressible way."Okay, cool," he said.

There was a little pause, in which Nureyev stroked his hair and they smiled at each other.Then Nureyev said, "Would you like me to only use them in private, between us?Or would it be okay to use them around the crew, as well?"

The question was unexpected to Juno.Not because it wasn't logical, but he hadn't really gotten there yet.He hadn't had time to think it over, consider all the angles.

But the thought didn't fill him with as much fear as he'd thought it would.Whose reaction would he be worried about?Rita knew him so well it would likely be no surprise to her anyway; Jet was the most respectful human Juno had probably ever met; Vespa was his doctor and already knew more about his gender and transition than anyone else; and then who, Buddy?As if she would be anything but supportive.

Juno shrugged."I guess…I'm not a hundred percent sure, but maybe you could…try?Around the crew.And if I don't like it, we could…y'know.Stop."

Nureyev smiled."I think that's a wonderful idea," he said, pulling Juno close once again.

The two of them stayed like that for a while, Juno resting his head against Nureyev's chest and letting the sound of his heartbeat soothe him.

After a few minutes, Juno said, "Nureyev?"

"Yes, my love?"

"Thank you," he whispered."For listening."

Nureyev pulled away, cupped Juno's jaw, and kissed him on the lips.

"Thank you," he said, "for being your wondrous self, my goddess."

Juno blushed and bit his lip, but he couldn't hide his smile.This…this was good.It was a little scary that these people knew him so well—that Nureyev knew him, everything about him—but it wasn't bad.It was just new.

Maybe Juno was a little bit new, as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading! I had a great time writing this, and I hope maybe some fellow trans folks especially got some comfort from this story.
> 
> Comments are very appreciated! I am also on tumblr at occhiolysm.tumblr.com, and on tiktok as homochaotic, so I'd love to hear from you if you enjoyed!
> 
> [detailed description of potential triggers:  
> -Juno is descriptive about how his gender dysphoria feels. He describes his body in the mirror (he mentions weight gain, but is not insecure about that in particular.) J  
> \- Juno has a flashback/memory of when he first came out to Benten at 15 years old--in the memory, Ben is very supportive but Juno has some internalized transphobia, and has an emotional reaction when confronted with the fact that he's not a boy.  
> \- The last scene begins while Juno and Peter are having sex, and Juno briefly describes going into subspace. Peter uses "she" for Juno, which Juno unexpectedly likes a lot and causes him to orgasm. He's embarrassed afterward, but he and Peter talk it through until Juno feels better. They further discuss Juno's pronouns in a non-sexual context.]


End file.
